


Words Spilling Out (that can never be read)

by despairing_rage



Series: Painful Words - What Will Never Be Shared [2]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Letters, Toby Smith | Tubbo Misses TommyInnit, Tubbo is a mess without Tommy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:27:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28263117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/despairing_rage/pseuds/despairing_rage
Summary: The letters Tubbo wrote to Tommy after he left. Letters that will never make it to Tommy.(This is something to go with my other fic, Words Of Regret (that remain unheard). You don't need to read the other one for this)
Series: Painful Words - What Will Never Be Shared [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2070477
Comments: 16
Kudos: 108





	1. I miss you

**Author's Note:**

> As always, this is just their personas. 
> 
> These are the letters Tubbo wishes Tommy would read

Dear Tommy,

Is it selfish of me to hope you miss me? I think it is. After all, I am miserable without you. I wonder if you are too. Of course, I don’t want you to be sad. I guess I just hope that you still think about me. 

I know you aren’t going to ever get this letter. I have no way to give it to you. None of us do. Still, it’s nice to imagine that you’re reading this. I like to pretend that you can get comfort from these words. Or that you’ll receive them at all. Even though I know you won’t… I think that everyone doesn’t understand that. They think I don’t know that these words will never reach you. Even though I do. Any time I bring it up they all give me such sad looks. It… isn’t great. I’ve been trying to ignore them.

I’ve gotten a little off subject... What I wanted to say is that I really miss you Tommy. I wish you’d come back. I don’t know if you wish you could come back, or if you’re better off by yourself… I don’t know which one I’d prefer. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t know anymore…

I have so many things I want to say that I’ll never have the words to say. I’m sorry Tommy. I should never have turned my back to you. You are… were? my best friend. There is so much I regret. So many things I’ll never be able to apologize for. 

I wasn’t going to break your discs. I know how much they mean… meant to you. I remember you telling me how much you loved them. How many memories they have. It really broke my heart to see them shattered. I know it didn’t hurt me as much as it hurt you though. I can’t even imagine how much it hurt. I’m so sorry Tommy. I know I’ll never be able to make it up to you, even if you did ever receive one of my letters. 

I think I need to stop now, I can’t stop crying. I think I saw Fundy looking through my window as I’ve been writing this. I’ll write to you soon Tommy… I wish you could read this. I’m going to leave this out in our old base, the place we once planned to run away to. You won’t see it, but I can at least pretend that you will. 

Sincerely,

Tubbo. 


	2. When I see you again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big yikes man
> 
> In case you couldn't tell, I'm bad at editing. A beta reader would probably be helpful, but oh well.

Dear Tommy,

  
  


I had an odd dream last night. I suppose it was more sad than anything…

In my dream, you returned. I was so happy. We all were. We finally got to apologize. I got to hug you and listen to the discs together. It was perfect. 

But then I woke up. And you’re still gone. 

…

I don’t think you’re coming back any time soon. Of course, I hope you will sooner rather than later.  ~~ Or rather, any time at all. Maybe it’s stupid to wish you’d return. ~~

No, I can’t think like that. I have to stay positive. Just like the Tubbo you’ve always known! I think it’d be so disappointing to see me all sad  **when** you return. I’m certain it’s only a matter of time. I don’t know how long it’ll be… but I can at least imagine it’ll be soon.  ~~ Even though it won’t be. ~~

I know that recovery takes time. So I hope that you’re healing  ~~ now that you’re away from us ~~ ~~.~~ I wonder if you’ve met new people. I’ve heard of groups of people from far away lands… I think they go by ‘hermits’? I like to think that you’ve come across them.  ~~ Maybe they could become your new best friends. ~~

  
  


But then again, that would make it sad ~~if~~ **when** you leave them. So maybe it’s better that you don’t become too attached. ~~Or maybe if you never meet them at all.~~

  
  


I’ve gotten off topic a bit… what I wanted to say is that I’m so excited to see you again! Of course, I don’t know when that’ll be… Probably not anytime soon. But still, I am hopeful! I have to stay positive after all. 

  
  


Maybe I’ll see you in my dreams again. I think that’d be nice. Do you see me in your dreams?  ~~ Don’t you dream of returning? Please, do you even think about us anymore? ~~

No, I’m going to keep being positive. The Tubbo you know would never be so down!  I can’t let anyone know how miserable I am without you. 

I’m sure I’ll be back to my happy self when I see you again.

Sincerely,

Tubbo

PS. Yes, I know you're not going to receive this letter. If only the others would realize that... 


	3. If I ever see you again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw, these letters are all being written within the same time frame as Tommy's journal entries in my other work (Part 1 of "Painful Words - What Will Never Be Shared", titled "Words Of Regret (that remain unheard)")
> 
> Haha please go read it :')
> 
> I'm mentioning that because, while this is happening, Tommy is going insane. So, not healing. Sorry Tubbo

Dear Tommy,

It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? It’s almost June already. That makes it about six months since you left. I’m not sure exactly how many days that is… I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to count. 

I’m sorry that I haven’t written in a while. Well, not that you’re going to receive this… so I guess it’s just for my own sake. 

Either way, I’m sorry. I wish I wrote this earlier… things have just been so busy lately. We finally worked out a more permanent deal with Technoblade. (He’s allowed on L’Manberg land freely, so long as he doesn’t cause any damage.) Dream has signed a peace treaty. A new election is coming up. It’s a lot to handle.

~~I wish you were here to help me through it.~~

In all honesty though… I don’t think I’ll be dealing with all of this for much longer. I’m not running for reelection. I just can’t deal with all of this stuff. Besides… I’ve come to hate being called president. I think all of the pressure has been getting to me. Constantly worrying about letting others down or making the wrong choice… it hasn’t been the best. 

I mean, I like to think that I was actually a pretty good president.  ~~ Do you think I was? Am I still the next Schlatt to you? Please, I  ~~

… That is a tangent I don’t want to go on. I’m sure that you wouldn’t have wanted to read it anyways. 

So back to what I was saying, I’ve been quite stressed.  ~~ I wish you were still here. ~~

…

I’ve started thinking that… maybe you aren’t coming back. And it scares me, it really does. I’m trying so hard to stay positive…  ~~ but I’ve never been strong as you .  ~~

  
  


I want to be confident that you’ll return. But you haven’t given me much to work with. No messages from the communicator. Nothing.  ~~ Not even a death message ~~ It’s like you’ve completely disappeared. 

  
  


We’ve all searched far and wide, trying to find you. In the end, we couldn’t do it. I promise that I tried. I tried so hard.  ~~ But none of it was enough. It’s never been enough. ~~ Even all of the villages we went to said they haven’t heard of you.  It's painting a rather bleak picture. ~~It seems almost hopeless.~~

Still, I’m trying to stay optimistic! I keep thinking about what  ~~ will ~~ **could** happen  ~~ when ~~ **if** you ever come back. I’m sure that you’ve had time to heal, right? You must be doing so much better.  At least… I hope you are.

Maybe you’ll come back once  you’re ok again you have recovered. I wish I could still whole-heartedly believe that you’ll be back one day. But… it hasn’t been looking good so far. All I can do is keep my head up and keep you in my mind. I have to focus on what it  ~~ will ~~ **might** be like ~~when~~ **if** we reunite. 

I would get a chance to apologize. We would hug, and maybe things would start to be ok again. That is… **if** I ever see you again. 

~~ I don’t know what I’ll do if you never come back. ~~

Sorry this left off on a weird place,

Tubbo

PS. I am not going to stop looking. I haven't given up. ~~Even though everyone else has.~~


	4. Please Come Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Tubbo, he doesn't even know how much Tommy is suffering :)

Dear Tommy,

I miss you so much. Every day I feel more and more lonely, even though I'm surrounded by people who care about me. They all try to comfort me, but ~~they aren't you~~ I am struggling. 

Isn't it dumb of me to feel so alone? I wonder if you're doing better. Maybe you found yourself a nice village, or even the 'hermits' (I think that's what they're called?). I'm sure they would treat you nicely... better than we did. ~~But it's not hard to be nicer than we were.~~

I feel terrible for feeling this way... but I find myself starting to hope you haven't replaced us. Obviously I don't want you to be alone... but I hope that whoever you're staying with hasn't replaced us ~~or even beat us~~. I wish I could be certain, but I have a feeling that you're so much better off without us. You must be healed by now, right? ~~Or is what we did too much for you to recover from?~~

...

I shouldn't think like that, I shouldn't be so negative. The Tubbo you knew would never be so down. But... I don't think that I'm the Tubbo you once knew. I've changed. I just can't be the bubbly ~~and happy~~ person I was. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for so many things. I wish there was a way for me to ever make it up to you. ~~Even though I know there isn't~~. 

Would I go back to who I was if you came back? I think so. It has to be... I don't think there's anything else that can help me. 

...

I miss you so much. I can't be happy without you here. Everything has been tainted with sadness since you left. I can't even look at a disc without breaking down crying. I kept the pieces of the discs you left behind. It's one of the only things I have left to remember you by... isn't that ironic? The discs you cared so much about, the discs I called worthless, are now my most prized possession. I wish I could listen to them again. I could sit on the bench and pretend that you're here. 

Oh, how I wish things could go back to the way they were. Sitting on the beach, listening to discs and peacefully existing. I suppose I don't know if you would even want that. Especially since you've definitely moved on by down. ~~You must hate us.~~

Still, I can only wish that you were here. Maybe you haven't moved on or forgotten memories. I guess that might just be wishful thinking. I know that you're so much better off by now. I wonder if you realize the pain you left in your wake. Which -by the way- I don't blame you for. You thought we hated you... and to be honest, I think that was for good reason. It hurts to think about it, but I can't hide from it. 

... Am I selfish? Because I think that, deep down, I hope you aren't better off. I don't want you to suffer, obviously. I just want you to miss us. Maybe then you would return. If you were here I'm sure you'd make me feel better. Just like you used to. I would be ok again and I wouldn't be so miserable.

...

Please come back. 

Sincerely,

Tubbo

PS. I still know Tommy won't receive this Fundy. Stop reading these letters. 


	5. I Can't Move On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah this chapter is an oof,,,, (not because of feels, because my terrible writing)
> 
> rip

Dear Tommy,

You know, these letters are almost ironic. I’m writing to always keep you in my mind. But… I’ve started to realize something. The more I write, the more I start to forget who you were before leaving. I can only think of the person you were before all of this. Before the wars, before the wars, before our lives were ruined. 

… Well, I guess I wouldn’t say ruined. There are still good things.  ~~ Even though you’re gone and are never coming back. ~~

Still, the people we were are long dead. They don’t exist anymore. How could they, after so much blood and suffering? But… I still think of that version of you. The Tommy you were before we were forced to grow up fast… ~~before we all turned on you.~~

...

Sometimes I’m scared that I don’t miss  _ you _ … just the memory of who you once were. I don’t want that to be true. 

I hope that I miss the real you, not just a fading memory. 

  
  


…

~~ I wonder if ~~ I know that you’re doing better now that you’re gone. Surely you’re making new happy memories without us… you must be healed by now…

... I haven't. Even though you’re doing so much better now, I’m only getting worse. Every day it gets harder for me.  ~~ I hate to say it… but I think I’ve given up hope for you to return. It’s been months… if you were going to return, you would have already. ~~

…

I know that you’re not coming back. Why would you? We have nothing for you here. Even if we did, you would never even think of coming back. I know this is so selfish of me… but I can’t stop that tiny part of me from wishing that you haven’t moved on yet. That you still care about ~~me~~ any of us. 

Still, I know that it’s just a wish. Because I know how much better off you must be. How much happier you are. I know that you moved on. 

  
  


… But I haven’t. I don’t think I ever will. I can’t. And I will never forgive myself for that. 

  
  


…

Tubbo

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Discord server for mcyt writers and artists!!!!!!!  
> https://discord.gg/9wtFBpy
> 
> Twitter:  
> https://twitter.com/despairing_rage
> 
> Tumblr:  
> https://despairing-rage.tumblr.com/  
> https://let-me-be-cryptid.tumblr.com/


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